A reader's testimony: "I am a straight cis man, my partner has vaginismus, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll hurt her and that I'll make her vaginismus worse. What should I do?"
The attitude to adopt when one's partner is vaginic depends on the stage and type of vaginismus of the person concerned. My advice here will therefore be rather general: if you have any specific requests, please do not hesitate to contact me. I also refer you to the article already published on my website "Healing with your partner" which talks about the role of the partner in healing.
Basic advice
Be patient.
You should not be a burden to your partner. You should be a soother, not an extra pressure. Therefore, avoid setting goals in your relationship and do not expect anything sexually from your partner. Vaginismus can be cured very quickly as well as over a period of years: be aware of this and be prepared to deal with it. The disappointment she will see in your face will only reinforce her feelings of oppression and damage your relationship.
Do not infantilize her.
Your partner has a sexual disorder, she is not being helped. You can help her, but don't act as if she is a fragile creature that you have to protect. Vaginismus can be healed by taking control of her body and moving towards more freedom, so infantilising her by keeping her under your protection can hinder her recovery. So never assume that you know more than she does, or that you understand what she is feeling better, because this is probably not true.
Learn as much as you can about vaginismus.
The most important thing you can do when you start a relationship with someone is to find out about the difficulties they are going through. In this case, there are many resources to help you understand vaginismus better (I present several of them at the end of my ebook): it is a way to get closer to your partner and it will allow you to adapt your behaviour to what she needs.
Things to do beforehand.
Adapt to your partner.
Understand her connection to vaginismus. If it is a topic, making it a topic for you too can be a good thing. If she does not want her life to revolve around it, it is better to get it out of the way and take her mind off it.
Listen, again and again, to what she has to say.
Don't hesitate to initiate conversations that might be related to vaginismus. Initiate discussions with her about sexuality, what it means to her, what it means to those around her. Vaginismus can be dealt with by talking about it and deconstructing it, so keep talking about it if it's good for her. Be careful not to position yourself as a psychologist, we are not asking you to analyse what she says, but simply to give her the opportunity to talk.
Talk to her about how you feel.
One of the fears of a vaginal woman may be that she will disappoint her partner, that she will frustrate him: it is up to you to discuss your feelings, honestly. You can tell her about your personal relationship with your sexuality. Don't lie, she will feel it and your relationship will not improve.
Things to do on the ground.
Use positive language.
For this point, be careful: I advise you to avoid associating sexuality with something degrading. But that doesn't mean that you should lock yourself - and her - into an overly "romantic" sexuality that doesn't suit you/them. Sex can be the place where you forget all preconceptions and assumptions about sex and experiment with new ways of sharing.
Learn to manage pain.
Pay attention to the external signs: if she seems to be in pain, ask her if it would be better to stop sex. If you sense that she is in a lot of pain, but she is pushing herself, take the initiative to stop. Ask her if she needs time to recover or if she wants to talk about it. Ask her what you can do to make her feel better: put your hand on her stomach, on the painful area, massage her...
Stimulate her sex life and its reverse.
Only by practising can you make progress. Multiply the small experiences together that will allow you to become familiar with each other's bodies. But also give her time to rest, nothing is ever the same as rushing.
Use lube, always, all the time.
Focus and put a lot (a lot) of emphasis on oral, or non-penetrative, sex. Penetration is not the only way to have sex, and it's not the best way to reach orgasm, so you might as well be free of it.
Ask her lots of questions about what she likes, what she'd like to try, and make your sex a little less stressful and a lot more enjoyable than she'd imagined.
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