"I'm in a hurry, the guy I usually want to have sex with wants to have sex, the intercourse happens, and I'm in pain. I'm in pain throughout the whole thing, which is a rare occurrence and I can't explain it to myself. He did not use force against me, he did not blackmail me, the pain is not related to his behaviour. Nor is it a problem of lack of desire, I want him often and a lot, but simply that today I had other things on my mind, planned projects and not my head for this. Why did this time - rather than another - sex become a source of pain?"
Anonymous.
What does pain mean to me?
To begin to answer this question, we need to start with what pain is. Pain is the reaction caused by the nervous system when it wants to signal a problem and encourage its resolution. To take a simple example: when I touch a hot pan, I feel pain where I have been burnt, and this pain tells me that I should remove the object. Pain is your body's way of expressing its discomfort or even danger.
During sex, there are a thousand reasons why the situation can be perceived as uncomfortable: if you don't like the place, if you don't feel respected, if the practices are uncomfortable, your body can block itself. The difficult thing about vaginismus is that most blockages are unconscious. You find it hard to articulate the problem, and it's often as if you can't see it. In reality, the problem is quite simple: in the case of this testimony, the pain seems to come from a confusion between conceded and wanted intercourse.
What is a conceded relationship?
In our societies, a distinction is made between a consensual sexual act and rape, as if sexuality could only be limited to these two spheres. In reality, there is a wider range of possible relationships and it is necessary to keep this in mind in order to understand one's feelings. One can consciously want sex without the body showing the same desire. One can feel a physical desire without wanting that desire to result in sexual intercourse. And among those relationships that are not thought of in the dichotomy of consent/forced, there is the conceded relationship.
Conceded intercourse is the one you give to your partner because they ask for it. In the most serious cases, the people involved feel that they are raping themselves. In practice, many women and men have already had several conceded relationships in order to please or satisfy the other person. Sometimes the desire to please is established and the intercourse goes well. More often, however, people come out of the intercourse with a feeling of discomfort that they find difficult to intellectualise. This discomfort is due to the virtual absence of consensual sex in the discourse on sexuality: either you want it or you do not. A conceded relationship is not rape, there is consent, but it cannot be described as desired. It is important to put words to it in order to understand it, to recognise it and thus to avoid it.
Can I force my body to want?
If you concede the relationship, it is a conscious action of the mind that you put in place. The physical may not follow. If you do it for the other person, your unconscious mind can impact your body by reaffirming your non-desire. It is not enough to want it to really want it. A conceded relationship therefore sends out two opposing pieces of information. Your body will manifest the contradiction between your inner non-desire and your conscious will in some way.
For most women, when they concede intercourse, they simply don't get wet (at least initially). This dryness can cause tugging or lack of pleasure during intercourse, which is very uncomfortable. For vaginal women, this dryness is compounded by involuntary contraction of the perineal muscles, which leads to even greater pain.
To make love for the other person and not for oneself is to silence the body. This act of obligation is contrary to desire, and once you have entered into this logic, it is difficult to get out of it: the more you force yourself and unconsciously consider sexual intercourse as a burden, the less you will desire and the less pleasure you will have during this intercourse. For women, this realisation is all the more important because of societal injunctions, they are afraid of frustrating their partner.
So how do you get out of this situation? Your desire is not mechanical, so you have to give it time. The absence of libido is not synonymous with failure, and on the contrary, abstinence from time to time can revive it. If you have other things to do, do these things: your partner can and should understand this. Your relationships will only be better when they are completely wanted, desired, chosen by both of you.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, and my advice is based on personal experience and thoughts and does not replace medical care.
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