Healing with your partner?

Regardless of the recovery or the difficulties one is going through, the question arises as to who to talk to and how. In the case of sexual problems, the partner seems to be the person most concerned and to whom one should naturally confide. More than that, the partner seems to have a role to play in the healing process itself.

To talk about it or not?

The first key question is whether or not to tell your partner about vaginismus. In my opinion, yes. Everyone functions according to their own feelings, and according to what suits them best, so my way of seeing things only commits me: if it is essential to keep a part of one's intimacy to oneself and not to abandon oneself to the other, talking about vaginismus seems to me to be a non-negotiable act.

First of all, it is necessary to talk about it because it is difficult to maintain a relationship based on what is not said, especially on a subject as important as sexuality. Secondly, sexual intercourse can be a source of great suffering for a woman with vaginitis and her partner must be prepared to face this.

At the same time, it is difficult to talk about certain subjects with which one is not at ease, even with people who are close to one's heart. I myself have never said this in my relationships, and if my partners have come to know about it, it has always been against my will, so I am in no position to judge you for not doing so. What can be a good compromise is to talk about vaginismus, without mentioning the causes or going into detail. You don't owe your partner anything, and it is possible to want to keep their problems and their love life completely separate.

The helping partner.

Whether in the media, literature or film, there is no shortage of images of a partner who accompanies us in every aspect of our lives. And it is normal to expect your partner to be supportive in difficult times. What is not normal is to expect them to be the solution. Your partner doesn't have the answers and by trying to help you, he or she may be helping to produce the opposite effect. You need to be able to heal with the least dependence on external factors, to avoid being totally helpless if these factors are missing. In short, you have to rely on yourself before you rely on anything else, because your partner will not always be there.

Also, one of the risks of involving your partner in the healing process is that the partner represents a pressure, an individual to whom you are accountable. This is not the case. Healing can take time and your partner must be able to accept this. His or her insistence on going faster could only reinforce your vaginismus.

I think it's necessary to make a point about lesbian relationships to talk about disorders in sexuality and how a couple can deal with them. If women are reputed to be more attentive to the needs of the other, this is not an exact science. In fact, women can be a major barrier to healing: because they have a vagina, they can claim to know about it. However, all vaginas are different, and the relationship to one's sexuality is not solely defined by one's sex. So if your partner is comfortable with her body, make sure she doesn't hide your personal experiences.

The main partner is yourself.

It is important, especially when talking about sexual problems, to listen to yourself. As a rule, you are the best person to help yourself. If you start to heal without medical support, it's even more important to be able to give yourself private time, without any external pressure. Healing alone is an opportunity to get to know yourself, your body and your fears. It is also important in a couple to give each other space. Healing can be an opportunity to regain control and independence. The partner can help with the relaxation exercises, but it is not up to him to initiate them. Therefore, in my opinion, healing can only be done alone.

So with or without?

But there is no easy answer, everyone has to deal with what they have. It is said that women with vaginismus often choose gentle partners who reassure them, listen to them, support them: this is a way for the partner to include him/herself in the healing. The important thing is not so much that he/she is helpful, but that he/she is simply there. Rather than looking to your partner for direct help, look for an ally, a support. Your partner, because of the huge taboos surrounding women's sexuality, will surely have a lot to learn from what you are going through.

Inviting her to find out is the best way to do things together, without neglecting your own time and without feeling pressure from her!