One of the root causes of vaginismus may be the fear of growing up. To understand why, this article proposes a reflection around multiple questions: Why is becoming an adult scary? How is this fear impacted by gender? And what is the relationship between coming of age and vaginismus?
The Syndrome of the one who doesn't want to grow up.
To begin with, what is the Peter Pan syndrome? This syndrome was theorised by psychoanalyst Dan Kiley in reference to the Disney film: it refers to an individual who is unable or anxious to leave childhood, just like the cartoon character. Although this syndrome cannot be diagnosed in everyone, it does reveal a collective fear, of varying degrees, linked to the passage to adulthood.
In many cultures or communities, this stage of life is marked by a rite or a festival. It is also more generally a subject of creation, whether in the cinema or in literature (Friends, Virgins, Keiro...). The aim is to show the difficulties faced by teenagers who come up against the reality of the adult world: first job, first bills, first flat and first disappointments in love. In the collective imagination, adulthood is a milestone from which the individual faces more responsibilities, although these responsibilities also bring more independence and experience.
For both genders there is therefore a certain pressure to grow up, but for women the pressure seems to be particular.
A gender-differentiated education.
While the coming-of-age series are aimed more at teenagers, women are propelled into adulthood much earlier. As children, they are dressed up in wedding dresses and play with prams and babies. Boys, on the other hand, are oriented towards fantasy models such as superheroes. It is often said and expected that girls are more mature than boys.
But beyond the fact that the pressure starts earlier, it manifests itself in different ways for girls and boys. For boys, it is generally about becoming a strong man. For girls, it is more complicated. Women are associated with pain (of menstruation at first and then of childbirth). Little girls are brought up with the idea that they will have to suffer. The message is clear: becoming a woman is not easy.
To become a woman is necessarily to lose.
One of the keys to becoming an adult is still, in the general mind, the sexual act. It is therefore natural that traces of a Peter Pan syndrome appear in the area of sexuality. Here, too, there is differential treatment.
For men, the sexual act represents an act of conquest that must be welcomed with great pride. For women, however, it is the exact opposite: 'virginity' is seen as something that is taken, and the sexual act therefore represents a loss. It is difficult to expect little girls to want to become women. Many girls often repeat that they would prefer to be born a boy.
I am already grown up, and I have hundreds of responsibilities.
Most women with vaginismus continue to have it, even after adulthood, so how can this be explained? First of all, there are several root causes of vaginismus and it is not necessary to tick all the boxes. With this in mind, it can be assumed that women with vaginismus are not afraid of adulthood in all its forms, and as such. They have simply crystallised their anxieties around one of the rites of passage (sexual intercourse) and closed themselves off from it.
Vaginics may thus not be afraid of growing up, but of becoming women: because it is a condition that represents a lot of constraints. This blockage can be explained by a desire to distance themselves from what makes a woman a woman in collective representations: namely, the fact of being a penetrated being. It is for this reason that they close themselves off to penetration.
Concrete topics to meditate on to get out of it.
In my solutions for starting a healing alone, I talked about the power of writing. Many of you have asked me where to start, so from now on I'll write at the end of each article some clear lines of thought to help you. So what specifically should you think about to get past this 'Peter Pan syndrome'?
- You can start to reflect on the passage to adulthood itself: How do I mentally represent the fact of growing up? And what do I associate with this idea?
- Then on the notion of womanhood: What does it mean, or what has it meant for me for a long time, to become a woman? Have I ever rejected this identity?
- In the next few articles, one will be dedicated to mother-daughter relationships, which are important in the construction of one's own identity, and the image one has of oneself. You can already start thinking about the construction of your own identity: What adult role models did I grow up with? Were they positive or negative and did they play a role in my own perception of what an adult should be?
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