As far back as I can remember, I was always lazy about healing. I saw it as a punishment, an effort. It was something I didn't want to do. Even the simplest exercises didn't excite me. I didn't care if it was for my own good, so I tried to understand why...
Lack of time and resources.
The most classic and common cause of procrastination is lack of time. People find it difficult to give themselves a moment dedicated exclusively to self-understanding or attempts at penetration. On the one hand, because it is something they have never done and have never been taught to do. On the other hand, because curing vaginismus still seems nebulous. Women say that they have talked to a psychologist, that they have done exercises, that they have breathed, but in reality all this is advice that works for all diseases. Vaginismus has a mental aspect that is difficult to pin down, and the fact that the physical contraction is involuntary makes the disorder all the more untouchable. In addition to a lack of time, there is also a lack of means and an uncertainty as to what to do next. They therefore find themselves procrastinating because they have very few leads. But this lack is far from being the only reason.
When the mind and body say no.
Vaginic women face two sources of blockage: the body and the mind. It is important to bear in mind that each of these has its own brakes. Too often, attempts to heal focus on one of the aspects or - wishing to do the right thing - on the mind-body relationship. The mind does act on the body and can block it, when it has identified a situation that it finds stressful or dangerous. Limiting beliefs, prejudices, personal principles are factors that are regularly put forward when talking about vaginismus. But in fact, the reverse relationship also exists, and failure to address it has consequences for people with vaginismus. To put it simply, the process goes something like this: the body registers the pain and shuts down. The mind remembers the alarm signals sent by the body during previous exercises, and chooses not to repeat the experience. People who have been sexually abused are more likely to be affected by this phenomenon, but they are not the only ones. A cycle can then set in. The vaginal woman fears penetration and her perineum contracts, making penetration painful. What she remembers is not that she felt any form of fear or apprehension before penetration. No, what she retains is the pain, and this pain becomes a reason for the mind to close. The mind refuses what it knows is dangerous, and the vaginal woman materialises this refusal by procrastination. Even if this phenomenon is widespread, it is only one factor in procrastination among others.
Fear of failure, fear of success.
The two main factors are the fear of failure and the fear of success. While the first fear is regularly mentioned, the second is never mentioned. Fear of failure is easily identifiable, and understandable to those who are not concerned: it is the memory of not having succeeded, the desire not to face one's own limitations. It is a feeling of insecurity about oneself, and the fact that potentially one cannot control oneself. The vaginal woman does not want to be aware of her blockage. Experiencing it is painful, both physically and mentally. She may become discouraged after failures and procrastinate because each attempt seems fatally flawed. What about the fear of success? Fear of success is still taboo for most people with vaginismus and for those who are trying to treat it. And for good reason, who could fear healing?
To heal is to betray.
The woman with vaginismus may fear deep down that her blockage will go away. She has no desire to fail, no desire to succeed. Because vaginismus defines her, it is in a way her particularity, her protection. No matter how she gives it up, she feels it's too easy, too soon. Of course, this is only an unconscious feeling, because she feels the pain, the effort, with every attempt. But a little voice inside her lulls her with affirmations to the contrary. The art of vaginismus is to make those who try to get out feel guilty, by making them believe that to heal is to betray them. To betray their principle, their mother, their education, their social image, in the end it's a betrayal of oneself to heal. And this betrayal is unbearable. The fear of no longer being in pain is very present, and difficult to assume. It is incomprehensible to anyone who has ever been in pain. It is part of the function. The patient has the imperative to desire the cure more than anything else, the imperative to get out of it. Often, the vaginal woman herself is not aware of this, which is why she procrastinates. Unconsciously, putting it off until later allows her to be in tune with her vaginismus. The older the vaginismus, the more procrastination means being in agreement with oneself. After an aggression, this defence can be a way of taking back control of one's body, of closing what has been opened by force.
Vaginismus is not only an evil, it is also a protection. It is the only way the unconscious can say no.
The woman with vaginismus can be affected by any or all of the forms of procrastination mentioned. The important thing is to put words to it, to understand what is holding it back, and to adapt the struggle.
Comments